The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
