I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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