Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
