My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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