I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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