Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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