Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
