Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
