i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
