I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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