Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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