I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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