Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
