I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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