Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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