overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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