I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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