Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My ass is underappreciated
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
