I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
