Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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