somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I bet he comes in French.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
