i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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