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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Randomize
