The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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