I murdered the dance floor call the cops
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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