My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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