Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
