Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
