Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
