Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
