i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
