god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
