I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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