Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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