I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
