It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
