The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
