omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
