once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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