I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
