If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
