when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
