Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
