i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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