Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
