i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
