my mouth tastes like poor choices
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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