A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
