I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
