dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
