Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Enjoy the penises
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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