There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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