then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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