My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
