Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
